Thursday, December 11, 2008

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

It's amazing how insecurity can hold such a firm grasp on the night. Daytime is a bustling time. There is work to be done, phone calls to answer, tasks to be completed. As the night falls and the things around me fall silent, I find myself either blissfully deep in slumber or frantically searching for something to help me fall asleep. In the case of the latter, I am almost certainly attempting to restrain my insecurities, one way or another.
Lately my dreams have been frightening. I have been shot, involved in a plane crash, had my apartment broken into, purchased a javelina (yes, it was specific and yes, that would be frightening. Too much Planet Earth I think). All things that represent dramatic change, unrest and instability. I don't pretend to be a master dream interpreter but there are often thematic cycles that are not difficult to decipher. For example, I will occasionally go through a period in which all of my dreams involve the loss of my teeth. Weird, right? After a quick google search I read that this is symbolic of a lack of control in my life. Makes sense but I'm trying to remember a time when I felt like I was in control to begin with. 
This morning, which I hate to call it, I woke fearful and feeling insecure in my current dating relationship. We're trying to make the long-distance thing work. I swear it becomes more difficult every day and while the distance is usually manageable, it's amazing how not getting a goodnight call has the power to throw me completely out of whack. All of a sudden I was panic-stricken, convinced that not getting a call was his passive aggressive message that his interest is fading. In reality, he probably fell asleep after a long day's work. Take into account that I had also spent the better part of 2 hours on the phone with him earlier in the day, and I'm being nonsensical. 
It occurs to me, however, that for better or worse, my fears are rooted somewhere and it is only through self-analysis that I can begin to move through or past them. Thank goodness for this blogging business or Mr. Kansas City would get a lot less sleep, fielding my calls in the wee hours of the morning.

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