the tough buy plane tickets. At least I do. It's probably not the most fiscally responsible reaction to emotional stress, but it's my coping mechanism. Hyper-independence.
I've always been "independent." Not one to shy away from going to a movie alone or getting in the car and driving to find some solitude. I've even traveled abroad on my own, much to the dismay of my mother. It's been a recurring theme in my life as I have struggled to find the balance of taking time for myself and being with others. There was a time where I had many non-committal friends, which pushed me into the mindset of "just because so-and-so can't/doesn't want to go, doesn't mean that I shouldn't." And I would. I have. I do. The issue is that then I found myself planning to do everything alone, assuming that others would either lack interest or bail. This led to several missed opportunities to share experiences.
What I began to discover is that in being entirely independent, I was isolating myself from others. It became an excuse not to make an effort and, in short, a rational reason not to trust others. As I began to work on this, inevitably I let my guard down. I made the choice to trust even in knowing that there were many risks. And I was okay with that. After all, no one is perfect. We will all let someone down and be let down. That's just part of life. And fearing that is NOT a reason to miss out on a chance to have a deeper relationship.
So, I currently find myself in a situation in which a relationship I had invested a lot of my time and energy into is no longer in the picture...and I am reverting to my old habits. As this person pulled away, I booked a trip to Chicago, a 10 day class in Colorado and a vacation with friends to Peru! It's as if I have to prove to myself that I am okay, with or without this person.
What I'm currently struggling to come to terms with is that IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. If the purpose of life is to love, then losing the love of a friend, a family member, a significant other, should be felt. It should be a big deal. If I really put into it all that I claim, then losing it should hold significant (and possibly lasting) meaning in my life.
We have all had friendships/relationships pass. These losses may be gradual, others are a rug pulled from underneath. For whatever effect it has, I hope and pray that I would truly feel it. Process and learn from it. I have not done my part on this earth if I let relationships pass as if they had no meaning. I have not loved my neighbor enough if I can live without missing their presence.
And while I think about this, I'm taking a vacation.
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2 comments:
Jessie, I really appreciate this post. Your transparency makes it possible to really connect with you! I think you and I are pretty similar in this regard...I will say, being married definitely brought its challenges in the early days, as I had to learn to balance my desire for independence with a willingness to sometimes stop and be present at home with my new husband. Not that I didn't want to be at home or love spending time with him, but I often felt the pull to pursue anything and everything on my own agenda. I like to think we've reached a good sense of balance by now.
If you find yourself with an open slot in your agenda while you're in Chicago and want to come over for dinner or a glass of wine, look me up!
You are a wonder, Jessie. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here...I think that your words ring true for many people. You're right...while trips are fun and meaningful, connections with people (the good and the bad) are significant too.
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