In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

It's amazing how insecurity can hold such a firm grasp on the night. Daytime is a bustling time. There is work to be done, phone calls to answer, tasks to be completed. As the night falls and the things around me fall silent, I find myself either blissfully deep in slumber or frantically searching for something to help me fall asleep. In the case of the latter, I am almost certainly attempting to restrain my insecurities, one way or another.

Lately my dreams have been frightening. I have been shot, involved in a plane crash, had my apartment broken into, purchased a javelina (yes, it was specific and yes, that would be frightening. Too much Planet Earth I think). All things that represent dramatic change, unrest and instability. I don't pretend to be a master dream interpreter but there are often thematic cycles that are not difficult to decipher. For example, I will occasionally go through a period in which all of my dreams involve the loss of my teeth. Weird, right? After a quick google search I read that this is symbolic of a lack of control in my life. Makes sense but I'm trying to remember a time when I felt like I was in control to begin with. 

This morning, which I hate to call it, I woke fearful and feeling insecure in my current dating relationship. We're trying to make the long-distance thing work. I swear it becomes more difficult every day and while the distance is usually manageable, it's amazing how not getting a goodnight call has the power to throw me completely out of whack. All of a sudden I was panic-stricken, convinced that not getting a call was his passive aggressive message that his interest is fading. In reality, he probably fell asleep after a long day's work. Take into account that I had also spent the better part of 2 hours on the phone with him earlier in the day, and I'm being nonsensical. 

It occurs to me, however, that for better or worse, my fears are rooted somewhere and it is only through self-analysis that I can begin to move through or past them. Thank goodness for this blogging business or Mr. Kansas City would get a lot less sleep, fielding my calls in the wee hours of the morning.

UUUGHH!!

Time flies and I have been less than stellar about blogging. So, to the three of you that check this, I apologize for keeping you out of the loop. You see, I work in Retail and it's the holiday season. This means I spent two full months lost in the abyss of gift cards and compulsively checking my bottom line (red). 

It's amazing how I have come to appreciate the holiday season less each year that I spend in retail. November and December used to be a time for dinners with friends, holiday open houses and gift shopping with people I love, now I find myself missing most social events and gatherings involving both friends and family save for the ones involving...you guessed it...coworkers. In fact, the holiday season has almost become depressing. I see the pictures and hear stories from the events in which I don't get to participate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't occasionally wish that everybody was in the same boat as I so we could be miserable together. 

I don't write this to complain about my job. I actually love that I can outfit a couple for a holiday safari together or help a parent get their child set up in his first climbing harness. I guess, like most, I want to be able to have it all. I want to have my pumpkin pie and eat it too. Mostly, it makes me recognize that my current occupation MUST only be temporary. I think opting to maintain it as a life-long career (do those even exist anymore?) would slowly drain my passion for the parts of it that I love. Ultimately, I want to outfit a child in his/her first harness and TAKE them climbing. I want to guide that couple through the Ngorogoro Crater and help them understand its significance. 

I will never be able to do it all. I will always be wanting to. But I think there is a position out there better suited for me. One in which I can maintain a work-life balance year round. Even during the holidays.

Mellow Monday

I am curled up with my boook in my cozy $25 thrift store chair. It looks like it's from Anthropologie and so it always reminds me of that goodwill commercial. You know the one where the Goodwill ambassador notes that while "some people spend a lot of money to look vintage, others just go to Goodwill and buy the original?" That's my chair...it's a threadbare original that looks eerily similar to one found at Anthropologie. I'll have to post a picture later. 

 I love the fall. Well, I love all seasons but there's something almost magical about the fall. I walked into my apartment tonight to see my roommate snuggled under a blanket, listening to Frank Sinatra and reading a book and everything about the scene said "autumn." The brisk wind blew in through the open window and I was immediately filled with a burst of energy at the idea of the changing season. 

 Before my roommate knew what happened, I ran back out the door only to return with a bottle of wine, 2 slices of warm cherry pie and a pint of vanilla ice cream. As we devoured our sweet fall treat, we talked about relationships and spirituality, leadership and the unknown. I excused myself to the kitchen to whip up a few loaves of honey poppyseed bread while Michael Buble filled my ears and the scent of the lit Oak Forest candle filled the air. 

 It wasn't long before there was no more conversation but, as I've posted before, it's incredible all that is shared and communicated without words. When I think back to my time living here, in my little ghetto apartment, years from now, I hope that this feeling of comfort is what I will remember. I am almost saddened that I want to sleep. This is a nearly perfect autumn evening and I just don't want it to end. 

Girl's Guide to Breakin' Up

Have you ever noticed that after a break up, there are certain things that most every girl does in order to process, cope and move on. Here's a short list of the items that I have found in my experience to be part of my post-relationship emotional guidebook. I would love to hear what's on your list.

*Crying- Regardless of who made the choice to call it off.

*Lack of interest in shaving of legs- What's the point?

*Best Friend re-hash- Must go over every detail with the best friend. EVERY detail. 

*Journaling- Lots of writing to ensue once girlfriends' ears are beginning to ring. 

*New-found affinity for tea and general contemplation- Chai, in my case.

*Empowerment- Songs like "I Will Survive" return to the playlist...and they work.

*Drastic measure- I am skydiving in a week.

*Change in appearance- Usually a haircut. I will see your haircut and raise you new glasses. 

*Time off- Date free for a while.

*Reflection of lessons learned.

*Relationship and Repeat (hopefully not forever).

Song by Rilo Kiley (good, huh?) Video by people with too much time on their hands. Still funny.

Things To Know About My Boo.

For no other reason than because I woke up feeling blessed to have her, I would like to take a moment to tell the world what makes my best friend so great.

1. Inside jokes. There are not many people who would leave me a message that starts with "Hey Hobag" and I would be okay with it. There are also no many who would find humor in the true meaning of Backwoods or why I should avoid alcohol on Christmas.

2. Unconditional support. She will drop anything to talk on the phone or be present for events in my life. The night I moved back from Chicago, she and her husband helped to unload the truck. When I was "evacuated" from Africa, she was at the airport. When my dad and I had a big falling out, I stayed at her house. She rushes over to listen to me vent and cry on a whim.

3. Sometimes I think she's more proud of me than my mom. I hope she knows how proud I am of her too. 

4. Encouragement. She's the first to say "go for it" when I concoct a new, crazy adventure. 

5. Intellectual conversation. We have great talks and I love that we can challenge and bounce ideas about faith, simplicity, morality etc off of one another.

6. Nothing. I love when we do nothing together. We can sit on a couch and watch Best Week Ever or cruise You Tube, never feeling that we should be doing more. 

7. Lack of judgement. I am often unfair, critical and emotional. She never holds it against me, even when I'm way off base.

8. Inappropriate e-greeting cards. Oh man, she's found some crazy ones! They always make me laugh.

9. Her ability to shame Jackie O. Seriously, this chick is always designing, baking, growing or entertaining something. And she does it whilst looking like she just stepped out of Jackie O's closet. 

10. That she will hate EVERY one of the pictures I posted on this blog. It cracks me up. (Don't worry though, Boo. Only 3 people read this blog and you're one of them...sorry about the bra strap. In my defense, you posted that cartwheel crotch shot on Facebook. Not cool.)

I could go on for much longer, but not all of you know Sarah so I'll cut it off here. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world with an amazing best friend. We all have someone who provides us exactly what we need in a friend. At a certain point, your friends can become more your family than your actual family.  Sarah is my family. The closest thing to a sister I'll ever have. 11 years have passed since we met and I seriously cannot imagine my life without her. Thanks for being my boo, Boo. 

**also, thanks to Ryan. you are wonderful too**

A gun rack? A GUN rack?

Anyone? Anyone? Title of this post comes direct to you from Wayne's World. The whole dialogue being: 

Wayne: "A gun rack? A GUN rack? I don't even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?!"

Stacy:"You don't like it? Fine. You know, Wayne, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me."

Wayne: "I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up! Get the net!"

WATCH IT HERE!

Ahhhh...Wayne's World. That brings back memories. And, no, I didn't have to look that dialogue up. It's one of my stupid human tricks to quote 90's Mike Meyer's movies. I'll save the "Woman Woman Woman" poem of So, I Married an Axe Murderer for another time.

All of his gibberish is leading up to my new experience for the week. Shooting things. Don't get scared though. I just went to the gun range with my dad this evening. It's a new hobby he's picked up since he and my mom got divorced and while gun wielding (or really weapon wielding of any kind) is not really my thing, I suppose a controlled environment is the best place to try it. 

Since the divorce and for the year preceding it, my dad and I have had a rocky relationship. I won't delve into the messy details as I have a counselor for that, but it has been an uphill battle to try and repair our relationship. Thankfully, we've both grown up a bit and can now honestly enjoy one another's company in moderation. 

So, tonight, in an effort to make an effort, I fired a weapon. 

Four Eyes: A Stretch in Symbolism

It's kinda my "thing." I have a way of finding the symbolism in freaking everything. This proved a helpful skill as a camp counselor but these quips more often stay locked in my journal. It could be because I was raised Catholic.  It has become my way of seeing "signs." It could just be one of the many weird things I do. I am struck with the symbolic nature of the mundane at very odd times. Such was the case this morning. As I stood in the shower, nearly blinding myself with shampoo and thinking about the eye exam on today's schedule, I began to contemplate the other meanings found in these ordinary tasks. It could be a stretch, but hold tight.

I am getting over a guy. A good guy. I've heard that in order to have a successful relationship, you must first have the person, place and timing in place. Not that crazy. Person, obviously...well, hopefully (did you see Lars and the Real Girl?). Place could be physical location or place in life. Same could be said of Timing. Without all three, everything else in the relationship will be made more difficult. Or so I've been told by countless magazine and television experts.

What the hell do eyes have to do with it? Good question. I haven't had an eye exam in maybe 4 years. Having broken the glasses that came of that exam, I am currently sporting specs I got in high school. The prescription is really wrong. They fall off my face every time I look down. I actually have to keep them sitting crooked on my head so that they look straight in a mirror. I don't know what's taken me so long in finding a remedy to this. They drive me INSANE! 

This debacle I've allowed to happen to my poor, strained eyes is not unlike the situation I have found myself in in relationships. It's amazing what I'll put myself through sometimes before I buck up and find a better way, obvious as it may be. Those "rose-colored" lenses of love impair the view of red flags. I will move the glasses to keep them looking straight even though the fact that they aren't to begin with...is a problem. 

So as I move on from a relationship, eager for a better one, I am looking forward to the symbolic nature of my eye exam today. I will have a new, clear, slightly less coke-bottle looking outlook on life and love. At least, for today, I will pretend this errand will negate all of my past transgressions, leaving me available for the healthiest relationship EVER! ha.

(crazy photos of me in glasses throughout my life will have to follow later)